A year ago I sent my mother flowers to wish her the best for mother’s day. Little did I know, that I would be celebrating my own first mother’s day only one year later.
It sounds absolutely surreal to me that this is not only my first mother’s day, but also that Lotte is already turning three months very soon! My little baby turned my world upside down, and despite some days (evenings particularly) being exhausting with her, I wouldn’t want to miss a single day with her.
It is hard to explain the feeling when she smiles at me with her huge eyes and the big mouth, it must be true love and luck, both in one. She makes us laugh more and more often, when she “talks” (in her baby language), thrashes about on the changing table, when she tries to crawl while facing down or simply when she is swaying a rattle around.
I enjoy being her mother so, so much, and I am so grateful she is here with us.
At the same time, I notice I am more vulnerable than before. Climate change, factory farming, terror in the world and too powerful politicians, who harm the planet more than they help, make me feel sick and leave me feel numb. I talked about it on Instagram a few times, and received many messages and comments by other mums (some of them who I know, others who I don’t know), who feel the same. I believe we are aware that our children will live on this planet longer than we will, and therefore care more about what happens to our Earth.
I also notice that I struggle with my “work-life-Lotte-balance”. I always struggled to say “no” to projects, to new challenges and to work which I love. For years I have been feeling as if I am over- challenging myself rather than slowing down a little. I thought that, once I have a baby, I will finally be able to give myself a break. However, the truth is, I still feel as if I am able to do everything at the same time, plus, I still struggle to say „No“ to people – work-wise, but also to any other opportunities that come up, also leisure-wise, and friends.
So, I find myself in a moral conflict everyday, with my own needs, wishes and with my ambition on the one hand, and Toni Lotta’s needs on the other.
I think I already became much better at finding a balance over the past three months: I go to the gym with my girl, take her to yoga classes, will start PEKIP classes soon and cuddle with her in every free second. At the same time, I realise it gives me a huge amount of energy whenever I manage to leave her with her dad or my mum for two hours or so, which I can use to go to the gym, sauna or a yoga class just by myself.
It’s crazy how much energy the little babies take from us, and how much we still love them nonetheless. I definitely look forward to the time when she is old enough so she can stay with the grandparents for a weekend or so, so that my boyfriend and I can have some time just for us. At the same time, my little girl is so overwhelmingly cute at the moment and I wish I could stop the time right now. She truly is a gift and made my life incredibly beautiful.
Thank you, my little Toni Lotta, that you made me your mum and that I am able to spend every single day with you. I am so grateful that you came into my life, grateful for every day which we already spent together, and I look forward to the many, many years ahead with you. I love you forever!
Photos: Katerina Kruska, Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/___katerinak___/
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